Dear Worrier Princess: So Complicated
dear worrier princess is a queer advice column based off the ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is my girlfriend, an advice zine by maddy court (a.k.a @xenaworrierprincess on instagram).
Queery #1: I was in a stable relationship for two years. very suddenly, my ex cheated on me and dumped me nastily. then she proposed to the girl she cheated on me with—her girlfriend of all of two months. I'm not hurt, just amazed. like how does someone go from being one person for two years to being another so very abruptly?
Late last night, I was sweating over volume three of my advice zine, The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Ex-Wife. I was responding to a question from a self-described “other person” to a long-term, monogamous partnership and struggling to express my qualms without sounding like a freakin’ square. Suddenly, this thing my mom used to say came back to me in her voice: “if they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.” I love this folksy wisdom because at its fundamental core, cheating is a violation of trust and boundaries. Your ex lied and actively deceived you for months. Her new girlfriend ignored these facts. This reflects poorly on both of them.
I have concerns about the viability of a marriage between people who’ve known each other for two months. When their relationship was secret, they had a whole forbidden sexy energy thing going. Marriage is the opposite of forbidden sexy energy. But none of this answers your question: how does someone go from being one person for two years to being another so very abruptly? It’s painful when you don’t recognize the person breaking up with you, but you cannot count on your ex to apologize or provide a narrative. All you can do is alchemize your hurt into closure. Every time you catch yourself longing for an explanation, remind yourself of all the havoc she wrecked on your life. Her actions were destructive and hurtful—that’s all the information you need.
Queery #2: My ex gf/current love interest/demon of my dreams and I are madly in love, but I’m hoping to move to CA next year for school and she is applying to grad school and doesn’t know where she will end up. We have a poly past that ended poorly (heavily my b) that brings a lot of insecurity on both ends. We have agreed that long distance won’t work for us but are now left in limbo for the next 6 months while we figure out if we will/will not end up in the same city. How do we negotiate trying to make this work in the now while also having a scary looming deadline that will potentially spell the end?
Long distance relationships are infamously difficult, but relocating as a couple presents its own complications. Moving is an expensive nightmare. Navigating a new city and school is exhausting. You won’t have any friends nearby, at least not right away, and can put pressure on your relationship to fulfill every social need.
You and your girlfriend are faced with a rough choice: breakup or stay together. No matter how pragmatic you are, this is not a decision you can outsource onto grad school. Love doesn’t care about leases or grad programs. It doesn’t operate according to calendars or carefully planned timelines. The heart is a hangry hunter and a lot can change in six months. Take things day by day. Once you know your girlfriend’s whereabouts, you can discuss your future.
Queery #3: in october, I had a beautiful, chaotic fling with my then-friend (and eventually, girlfriend, and eventually, ex) at a music festival. i was not supposed to kiss her for a number of reasons, but impulsivity is my Scorpio moon’s hedonist praxis. before I knew it, I was incredibly infatuated with this twink (a textbook-definition Scorpio). I discovered so much about my love language and my sexual interests from her, and part of the allure was that i was her first ever relationship. we ended up breaking up because of her mental state which was at an all-time low, and i was properly devastated. after a month-long depression spell, I was getting back on my feet when we hooked up again. then came another month of poor communication on her part and no real answer for what our relationship was. now, I’m sensing that I might have a chance at having her in my life again, and it’s so exciting and reminiscent of when we first got together, and I feel like I’m equipped emotionally now to match her energy in all our interactions. should I let her back into my love life?
I get so submissions where someone describes an unsustainably messy relationship, or a love interest who is clearly Bad News Bears. And the question is always like: should I keep doing this? And I’m like, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER AND THE ANSWER IS NO. No, no, no, no, no. No, you should not pursue things with this person. She ignored you for an entire month. You should not have kissed her at the music festival but like, I get it—tumultuous relationships are hot, especially when your partner keeps you guessing. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from a decade of dating and falling in love, it’s this: bad decisions aren’t exciting or romantic, they’re just bad decisions.
I promise there are other people to date and kiss at music festivals. By letting this person go, you’re freeing your time and psychic energy to find them.
are you in a pickle regarding your love life? do you have a crush you can't figure out how to talk to, an ex you'd like to reconnect with but don't know if it's appropriate or the right time?
dear worrier princess answers your qs about love and strife in relationships in this complex and modern queer world.
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All illustrations for this column are done by Sid Champagne. Sid is a freelance illustrator based in Baltimore by way of the Gulf Coast. You can find them on Twitter @sid_champagne, or Instagram (more cat pics) @sidchampagne