Dear Worrier Princess: Special Edition, What is Love? Gay Crumbs From Your 2am Princess
This edition of Dear Worrier Princess is a little different. I usually choose advice submissions that are well-marbled and full of detail. I need precise, specific drama and heartbreak to base my responses on, otherwise I’ll just spitball and overshare. The majority of submissions I receive, however, are extremely short and vague. They read like something you’d text God at 2AM. Earlier this week I was taking a bath and I realized that I’ve been neglecting these gay crumbs for too long.
*Gender Studies professor voice* I made some notes that I hope will be useful.
What do you know for sure about love?
As someone who crushes easily and is eternally in love with the idea of being in love, I can tell a false positive by how natural and effortless saying “I love you” feels. Another sign I’m in love is that I clean my apartment and assemble sock-heavy care packages. I pay close attention to everything she says and storyboard her biopic in my head. None of this feels like work.
What do I do if my girlfriend’s depression leads to long, tearful monologues that I can support her through with hugs, but my depression leads only silence or curt snarkiness that causes my girlfriend to get angry and ignore me? I mean, I also need hugs, but talking is difficult and makes me feel worse.
Depression is complicated and manifests differently in everyone. It’s possible your girlfriend isn’t equipped to help you in the same way that you help her. This isn’t a reflection on her—no relationship is going to be 50/50 all the time.
It sounds like you expect your girlfriend to intuit when you’re depressed and in need of a hug. That’s really unfair. When it comes to communication, there’s a middle ground between sharing beyond your comfort level and stonewalling your girlfriend.
how long should you wait after a breakup before cutting/dying your hair? is it healthy or hurtful to try and change your appearance after a girl breaks your heart :'(
Heartbreak energy is powerful. It’s an agent of change and rebirth. For instance, I used to feel extreme anxiety about driving alone. I was especially afraid of highways and heavy traffic. I knew that the solution was to spend more time driving, but it took a bad and unexpected breakup for me to borrow a car and spend a week driving myself everywhere.
tl;dr: Hair grows back. Shaving your head is an entire mood. Makeovers and haircuts are way, way on the healthy end of post-heartbreak behaviors.
What is the best first lesbian date?
Keep your expectations low and don’t plan multiple activities. Meet up for coffee or drinks. If the energy is there, you can always go on a walk or get food. The date will find a way to continue, I promise. First dates should also be in public. Do NOT bring a friend along, no matter how nervous you feel. Maybe this sounds obvious but back when I used OKCupid a lot, people would occasionally ask to cook for me or show up with a random friend. It was so much pressure.
How do you know when you’ve found the right relationship to go all the way? I am monog and lesbian and don’t want my soft U-Haul heart to settle for less than the one.
I texted my friend who’s had the same girlfriend for a decade and at the time of publication, she had not gotten back to me. This means you’re stuck with my answer. I think that “go all the way” and “the one” are concepts that obscure the work that go into a relationship. You can love someone and totally fail to build a life together. I think about this episode of This American Life all the time. The episode is called “What Really Happens in Marriage” and Ira Glass interviews a marriage researcher who can predict what couples stay together with incredible accuracy. The episode’s scope is sadly hetero, but basically successful couples are couples who can fight and argue without insulting each other, disengaging, or becoming contemptuous. All couples experience conflict, but the key is always maintaining a core of validation and respect.
Is it okay to sexually engage with people who I think are unethical or ‘bad’ people, if it’s just sex?
There are a lot of reasons to have sex. Still, feeling weird or conflicted about smashing someone is probably a sign that you shouldn’t. I guess I’m wondering what exactly you mean by “unethical” and “bad.” A litter bug? A Nazi? Someone who dated your friend and was a total asshole? Here’s what I do know: a sexual relationship is still a relationship, no matter how casual or devoid of feelings. Also, shitty people are never just shitty to one person. Life isn’t compartmentalized so easily. If someone enacts harm on others, it’s unlikely that you’ll be the exception. This is the entire point of The Sopranos.
dear worrier princess answers your qs about love and strife in relationships in this complex and modern queer world.
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All illustrations for this column are done by Sid Champagne. Sid is a freelance illustrator based in Baltimore by way of the Gulf Coast. You can find them on Twitter @sid_champagne, or Instagram (more cat pics) @sidchampagne